How to keep trusting God when you are in a season of refinement

This one feels very personal to me at the time of writing this because I've been in a very hard season for the last bit. In 2023 everything was coming up roses for me... family peace for the first time in a long time, a move to our own place, pregnant, financial security... and slowly that feeling has departed me for none of the reasons I just listed. I think that's the nature of life though, you're bound to find things that just aren't quite sitting right with you and generally we like to always be in the pursuit of more - more growth, more love, more of everything we wish to experience.

I feel heavier than ever in my body at 27 months postpartum. I really want to move - this is a big one. I feel like I've been asking God fervently for so much in multiple areas and taking relevant action to make things happen. I feel so elated some days to have what I have but then sometimes I arrive at the end of the day asking God why things I've been asking for for a long time just haven't come to pass.

I'm in a season of refinement, or what some would refer to as "being in the desert" - a time of your life when you are being tested, going through spiritual growth on all fronts and overall the feeling that you are preparing for something (you don't yet know what) is at hand. I've been waiting, listening, trusting and feeling abandoned one day and completely, fully, wonderfully supported the next.

I'm learning to lean on God in ways I haven't before and this is something I'm truly enjoying and cherishing every day.

There have been moments though that haven't been so easy. Moments when I wonder if God has left me out, if God really does care about me or sees me as worthy. Moments where I want to break things and cry out on my knees... why isn't this happening yet?!?!

You feel me?

These are the moments when surrender feels the hardest. When you don't want to give it all up to God. When I would "gladly" revert back to my old ways of just forcing things to happen in a very hardened way. I don't want to be hyper-controlling though or intensely perfectionist, logical and linear. That makes me want to vomit. And don't get me wrong here, you most definitely still have to work for things; but surrendering to God's plan for your life, especially for the things that you can't just do yourself, means that you are on God's time. There are many things that are out of our control and these are the things I'm talking about.

Don't seek another new age practice...

Previously, in my new age-y lifestyle I would have manifested my way to things. Pushing, obsessing, thinking fiercely about it every day and attempting to force it through my will into existence. When I did this I found myself sort of stuck many times in a cycle or loop of sorts where I just never felt settled. I always wanted more in the sense that what life gave me was just never enough. I found so many of the new age practices I did so devotionally to have this quality to them, because none of them actually worked with God or led to God. I've learned that if God isn't the foundation then it'll likely be fruitless and leave you feeling empty and like an endless seeker rather.

Putting God at the centre

I'm not surprised to be sharing with you that in these hard times in the past I also would have likely sought much help from healers, readers, oracle cards and the like to give me some kind of assurance for my life. Having been one of those healers I can tell you that it can be helpful for a whole myriad of reasons, but this perpetuates the problem at hand that you are trying to trust God (or "The Universe" as I used to say) with a practice that does not focus on God as the source.

Now, I return time and time again to my blessings, to remembering that God loves all of us - including me - so much. I try to let my focus rest on that instead of on my struggles.

I want to share with you what helps me most in these times, as I feel many people get really in their heads about this.

Slow Down

Might seem counter-intuitive to some people when you're trying to "figure things out" but we tend to get so caught up in what we want and getting it that we forget about the rest of our life and that a pause serves us in many ways. There's already so much fullness in your life! I love the saying "You are now living the life you once prayed for" because you most definitely are - at least in some capacity. There are gifts you'll miss if you aren't paying attention to what's already present. A pause also affords you to time to breathe, slow down, soften and pay attention to what's just beneath the surface here asking for your attention.

Talk to God

Another one that might seem clear is prayer. Our prayer life can fall pretty silent when we are frustrated, angry, bitter or disappointed. I know because I often do this myself! Try talking to God in those moments when you certainly don't want to. Instead of turning away from your Creator, turn to Him and lay it all at His feet. Tell God about what you want, why you want it, why you are frustrated and let it all go to Him. This really changes things for me. Don't harden and turn away, instead allow God to embrace you. I like to put on some worship music to help me with this when I'm really stuck.

Honour what God has already Given

I mentioned this gently above but it is so important. God has given you everything you have now. What a GIFT! Honour and recognize the blessings in your life of things, people, provision and more. There's so much to be grateful for. God doesn't change His heart when you are going through hard things, don't change yours about what is already blessed and abundant for you.

Clarity

There have been so many times that I have felt myself get clouded in my mind in frustration but I always notice that it's often when I'm both asking for something but I also don't fully know what I want. It's vital in all aspects of our life to know what we want. Would you go to the grocery store just to go? No, you have a list and something specific you need to get. Would you go to God without truly understanding what you're asking for? A lot of people do! Try to have that clarity so God knows what you're asking for. If you are unclear, talk to God about it. Hash it out with the OG helpful One.

I speak from experience in all these practices. I've had many moments of being on the brink of cursing God this past winter and early spring. I've asked a lot of questions and many times received answers... there just isn't much moving in my life (yet). 

So, I invite you to soften here. Slow down and pause. Notice what's happening beneath the surface. Bring all your worries, burdens and cares to God by talking to Him about them. You are never alone and you don't have to figure it out by yourself. Acknowledge how blessed you already are and know what you want moving forward.

There's more I can say here but I want to share with you something special that I've just created:

The Softening: A place for women to rest into a gentle, safe return to the heart

I was once a hard woman... a bitter, controlling, cold, angry woman who felt she would have to endure the world with the armour of her past leading the way. Slowly, over many years, I finally learned to soften. I think God knew I had to go through my own softening to truly become the mother I wanted to be. As a result of my personal experiences I have decided to create a FREE COURSE called The Softening.

My goal with this course is to help women come back into their body, hear your own inner voice again and remember the presence of God within you.

The course itself has three modules - or what I've charmingly called "Initiations" - that guide you through reflection, nervous system softening, prayerful embodiment and intuitive connection with God.

I welcome you to join the Softening here. I hope to see you inside!

Blessings, love - and a fierce trust in God,
Emily